101 Things NOT to Say During Sex
Published on Sun 15 August 1999
- But everybody looks funny naked!
- You woke me up for that?
- Did I mention the video camera?
- Do you smell something burning?
- (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
- Try breathing through your nose.
- A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
- Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
- Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
- But whipped cream makes me break out.
- Person 1: This is your first time... right?
- Person 2: Yeah... today.
- (In the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
- Can you please pass me the remote control?
- Do you accept Visa?
- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
- On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
- And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend!
- So much for mouth-to-mouth.
- (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
- Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
- (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
- Do you get any premium movie channels?
- Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
- (Preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
- Got any penicillin?
- But I just brushed my teeth...
- Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
- I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
- I want a baby!
- So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
- (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
- Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
- Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
- I think you have it on backwards.
- When is this supposed to feel good?
- Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
- You're good enough to do this for a living!
- Is that blood on the headboard?
- Did I remember to take my pill?
- Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
- I wish we got the Playboy channel...
- That leak better be from the waterbed!
- I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
- But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.
- Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
- If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
- No, really... I do this part better myself!
- It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
- This would be more fun with a few more people.
- You're almost as good as my ex!
- Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
- Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
- You look younger than you feel.
- Perhaps you're just out of practice.
- You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
- They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
- Now I know why he/she dumped you...
- Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
- You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
- What tampon?
- Have you ever considered liposuction?
- And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
- What are you planning to make for breakfast?
- I have a confession...
- I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
- Are those real or am I just behind the times?
- Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
- Is that a hanging sculpture?
- You'll still vote for me, won't you?
- Did I mention my transsexual operation?
- I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
- Did you come yet, dear?
- I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
- A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
- Does this count as a date?
- Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
- Hic! I need another beer for this please.
- I think biting is romantic - don't you?
- Q: You can cook, too right?
- A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
- When would you like to meet my parents?
- Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
- Woman: Yourself?
- Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
- Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
- Don't mind me... I always file my nails in bed.
- (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
- I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
- Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
- Sorry, but I don't do toes!
- You could at least act like you're enjoying it!
- Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said no!
- Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
- I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
- So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
- My old girlfriend used to do it a lot longer!
- Is this a sin too?
- I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
- Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
- Long kisses clog my sinuses...
- Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
- How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
- You mean you're not my blind date?