What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?

Published on Mon 18 December 2000

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers - but imagine if they did...

Conversation #1

Helpline: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

Helpline: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"

Customer: "What's an ignition?"

Helpline: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

Conversation #2

Helpline: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

Customer: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

Helpline: "Is the gas tank empty?"

Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"

Helpline: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

Customer: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."

Helpline: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.

Customer: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.

Helpline: "A 'V'?"

Customer: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."

Helpline: "No, no, no sir! that's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."

Customer: "That steering wheel thingy - Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"

Helpline: "Yes, among other things."

Customer: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

Helpline: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."

Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

Conversation #3

Helpline: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Your cars suck!"

Helpline: "What's wrong?"

Customer: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

Helpline: "What were you doing?"

Customer: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed - and now it won't even start up!"

Helpline: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."

Customer: "Misuse it? I was just following this stupid manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. that's exactly what I did -- now the dumb thing's crashed."

Helpline: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"

Customer: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did everything the manual said and it didn't work!"

Helpline: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"

Customer: "How do you do that?"

Helpline: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. it's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."

Customer: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."

Helpline: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"

Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"

Conversation #4

Helpline: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

Helpline: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

Customer: "How do I work it?"

Helpline: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "Do I know how to what?"

Helpline: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

This joke was tagged #english