Quotations Compiled from Actual Resumes

Published on Sun 18 August 2002

  • I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
  • I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.
  • Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
  • Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
  • Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
  • Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
  • It's best for employers that I not work with people.
  • Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
  • You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
  • I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
  • I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
  • Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
  • I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
  • I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
  • I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one, and absolutely nothing.
  • My goal is to be meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
  • I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
  • Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
  • Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
  • Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a job.
  • Marital status: often. Children: various.
  • Reason for leaving last job: The boss insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
  • The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
  • Finished eighth in my class of ten.
  • References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
  • I am being an expert working on the Bananna Vines network.
  • I am sure to be a great ass to your company.
  • I am a jack-of-all-trades but not a jack-of-all-asses.

Here's a personal contribution from a cover letter I received:

Dear Mr. Sap Guy,

I am enclosing my resume herewithe for your kind perusal. I like to work very hard for you company. I am having 6 weeks of SAP R/3 training which is equivalence to 2 yearts professional experiments. I can speaking my very good english for you to like. Please contact me at your fastest conferencing to discuss now job holes.

Awaiting your contact,

This joke was tagged #english