Mad in Finland
Published on Sat 11 September 1999
About Mad in Finland
The following is by no means representative of Finnish English. The kind of English used by Finns is usually, by European standards, low on errors. In fact, Finns are only too aware of making mistakes. However, certain pronunciation problems can be identified as rather Finnish. So sit back, relax and see if you can spot the problem areas.
Mad in Finland
Matti: Hello Aijan.
Ian: Oh. Hello Matti.
Matti: Have you been waiting long?
Ian: No. I just got in from Hungary.
Matti: Oh really. Would you like a PISS?
Ian: Pardon?
Matti: A PISS of my chocolate?
Ian: Ah! Hungary - not hungry.
Matti: Aah! You're not hungry!
Ian: Right.
Matti: Anyway, I'm sorry I'm late, but I had my testis taken at the hospital.
Ian: You're testis?
Matti: Yes.
Ian: (Shocked) Er... Did it hurt?
Matti: Oh no. You know, only a little prick.
Ian: What? Oh - You had some tests taken!
Matti: As I said.
Ian: Well, how are things with Osmo?
Matti: Not so good. He has become a bit of a "fakki idiootti" - You know - a "FACKY IDIOT" Don't you say that in English?
Ian: I suppose we could. Why not?
Matti: Yes, well, what can you expect. AIDS always has that effect on people.
Ian: AIDS!
Matti: Yes. It come to us all you know. Anyway, I'm happy with my AIDS, aren't you?
Ian: Oh - age!
Matti: That's right - AIDS. I mean it's not a CATASTROPH to be forty, is it!
Ian: A what?
Matti: A catastroph!
Ian: Ah, you mean catastrophe!
Matti: Yes. That's what I said, AIJAN! OK. Shall we LIVE together?
Ian: I beg your pardon?
Matti: Would you like to LIVE with me?
Ian: I... I... I...
Matti: Come on. I have a free evening. And we both have the same AIDS, let's go...
A little while later at Matti's summer cottage...
Matti: Well, AIJAN.
Ian: Ian!
Matti: Yes. What you think of my summer cottage?
Ian: Very nice. Do many Finns have their own summer cottages?
Matti: A turd!
Ian: A turd? Where?
Matti: A turd of Finnish people!
Ian: Oh, a THIRD.
Matti: As I said.
Ian: Mmm. It's, er, very peaceful here.
Matti: Yes, but there are too many BIG NIGGERS here in the summer.
Ian: Too many what?
Matti: Big niggers. You know, people who go on picknicks.
Ian: Picknickers!
Matti: Exactly. Oh, look over there. A salmi. How you say salmi in English?
Ian: Salmi?
Matti: Yes. Er, you know - a narrow slit between two LEGS
Ian: A narrow slit between two legs? (Gasp)
Matti: You KUNT.
Ian: What!?
Matti: You kunt know that. It's too difficult. Anyway, after sauna we can go swimming there.
Ian: Oh yes, a sauna. I'm looking forward to that.
Matti: Well, I have to VOMIT first.
Ian: Vomit?
Matti: Yes. It's not ready yet. I have to VOMIT.
Ian: Oh, warm it.
Matti: Yes. What's wrong with you? Don't you understand English?
Ian: Sorry, Matti. I guess I'm a bit tired.
Matti: Oh yes. That reminds me. Do you have a SHIT at night?
Ian: A shit?
Matti: Yes. Or is a blanket enough?
Ian: Oh, I see. Well, I wouldn't mind a sheet, thank you very much.
Matti: Fine. OK. Now it's time for sauna. You go and help yourself to a SHIT and I'll go and VOMIT.