How to Kill an Eel
Published on Mon 18 October 1999
Little Johnny was 12 years old and, like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining "things" to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning Johnny described everything he saw to his mother...
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.
Finally, I found what was making them so sick - a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
Whatchamaclit, when sis saw it, she got really scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling to God and what not. She said it was the biggest one she'd ever seen - I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.
Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go, I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.
Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped her by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a helluva fight. Sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel.
After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again, I guess that eel's are like cats, they have nine lives or something.
This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 35-minute struggle they finally killed it again. I knew it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet!"