Chemical Analysis of a Woman

Published on Fri 10 December 1999







Quantitative Analysis

Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified.


Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties

Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments notice totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic, but attracted by coins and sport cars. In its natural shape the specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye.

Chemical Properties

Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, especially in crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and aftershave lotions. An essential catalyst is often required (must say you love her at least five times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in the dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.


Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.


Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).


Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed besides a better specimen.


Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more then one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.

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