What I Learned from the Movies
Published on Fri 20 August 1999
- During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
- All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
- Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
- Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes or welders.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- Radiation causes interesting mutations - not to your future children but to you, right there and then.
- If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
- Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.