The Warning Signs of Insanity
Published on Sun 07 November 1999
- Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
- Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
- You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
- You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
- Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
- You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward off evil dandruff spirits.
- You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
- Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
- People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
- Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
- You laugh out loud during funerals.
- When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
- Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
- You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
- You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
- Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
- You collect dead windowsill flies.
- Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
- You like cats. Especially with mayo.
- You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
- You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
- You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
- You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
- Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
- You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
- You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
- Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
- Melba toast excites you.
- When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
- You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
- Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
- You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
- Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
- Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
- You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
- You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
- You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
- You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (Cough.)
- People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
- You like reading lists like this. :)