Published on Mon 16 August 1999
Hello, and welcome to the psychiatric helpline.
If you have compulsive obsessions, please press number one several times.
If you have problem with the self esteem, ask somebody to press number two for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press numbers 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid we know who you are and what you want, just keep the line open until we have traced the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully; a small voice will let you know which number to press.
If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. Nobody will answer anyway.