Published on Thu 14 October 1999

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?

You refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
You refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
You play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
You order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
You charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
You tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Sales executive
You sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service
You confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
You strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
You make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
You give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
You refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
You ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
English major
You explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Comparative Literature
You read the parachute instructions in all four languages.
Computer Science
You design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
You plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
You ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
You tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
You hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
As you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.
You ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces.
After reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
National Rifle Association
You shoot them and take the parachute.
Police Bigot
You beat them unconscious with the parachute.
You refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.
Your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.
Branch Davidian (David Koresh)
You get inside the parachute and refuse to come out.
Sports Fan
You start betting on how long it will take to crash.
Auto Mechanic
As long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.
Ross Perot
You tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.
Surgeon General
You issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.
Association of Tobacco Growers
You explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.

This joke was tagged #english