Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

Published on Mon 29 September 2003

  • Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
  • White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.
  • Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
  • Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped.
  • Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
  • Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
  • Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
  • George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
  • 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
  • Texas executes last remaining citizen.
  • Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
  • Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
  • Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes before installation is completed.
  • New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.

This joke was tagged #english