God and the Environmentalists
Published on Thu 21 August 2003
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth...
He was then faced with a class action lawsuit for failing to file an environmental impact statement from HEPA (Heavenly Environmental Protection Agency), an angelically staffed agency dedicated to keeping the universe pollution free.
God was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly portion of the project, but was issued a cease and desist order on the Earthly portion of the project, pending further investigation by HEPA. Upon completion of His construction permit and environmental impact statement, God appeared before HEPA council to answer some questions. When asked why He began these projects in the first place, He simply replied that He liked to be creative. This was not considered an adequate reason and He was required to substantiate this further.
HEPA was unable to see any practical use for Earth anyway, since "The Earth was void and empty and darkness was on the face of the deep."
Then God said, "Let there be Light."
He should never have brought up this point, since one member of the Council was active in the Sierrangel Club and immediately protested, asking how the Light was to be made. Would there be strip mining? Air Pollution? God explained that the Light would come from a huge ball of fire.
Nobody on the council really understood this, but it was provisionally accepted, assuming 1) that there would be no smog or smoke resulting from the burning; 2) a separate burning permit would be required; and 3) since continuous light would be a waste of energy, it should be dark half of the time. So God agreed to divide the Light and the Darkness and He would call the Light Day and the Darkness Night. (The Council expressed no interest in in-house semantics.)
When asked how the Earth would be covered, God said, "Let there be firmament made amidst the waters; and let it divide the waters from the waters."
One ecologically radical Council member accused Him of double talk, but the Council tabled action since God would have to first file for a permit from the ABLM (Angelic Bureau of Land Management) and further would be required to obtain water permits from the appropriate agencies involved.
The council asked if there would only be water and firmament, and God said, "Let the Earth bring forth the green herb, and such as may seed, and the fruit tree yielding after its own kind, which may have seen itself upon the Earth." The Council agreed as long as native seed would be used.
About future development God also said, "Let the waters bring forth the creeping creature having life, and the fowl that may fly over the Earth." Here again, the Council took no formal action since this would require approval of the Fish and Game Commission coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobonangelic Society.
It then appeared the everything was in order until God stated that He wanted to complete the project in six days. At this time He was advised by the Council that his timing was completely out of the question... HEPA would require a minimum of 180 days to review the application and environmental impact statement, and then there would be public hearings. It would take 10 to 12 months before a permit would be granted.
God said, "To Hell with it!"