Published on Sat 21 August 1999
Ralph decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
Ralph says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot, "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs, "it sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understood every word," says the parrot, "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks, "then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked. I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kinda like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers."
"Wow," says Ralph, "you really do understand, don't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports physics, philosophy... and I am especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I am a great companion."
Ralph is shocked by the price tag, "$2,000.00! I can't afford that!"
"Psst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy closer with one wing.
"Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 - just make the owner an offer."
So for $20 Ralph walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. Ralph is delighted!
One day, Ralph comes home from work and the parrot says, "Psst," and motions him over with one wing.
Ralph moves up close to the cage.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."
"What?!" says Ralph, shocked.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks Ralph.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" Ralph says, "then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowing working his way down..."
The parrot pauses for a long time.
"Well," Ralph says frantically, "what happened, what happened?"
"I don't know," says the parrot, "I fell off my perch!"