Published on Thu 23 January 1997

The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience doesn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."

After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring."

Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small hand-gun?" "Yes dear", she said, and he rolled over and went to sleep.

Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor began with the small hand-gun concealed in the his jacket. Once the concert had finished, he turned to the audience and said "I'm announcing my retirement for the second time. This is my last performance."

The tuba player from the orchestra stood up and shouted "You can't be serious!", and the conductor whipped out his hand-gun and shot the tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor was taken away.

Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you plead to the charge of first-degree murder?", the judge inquired. "Guilty your honour", the conductor replied. "Do you realise that the sentence for first degree murder in this state is death by electricution?",the judge added. The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better than continuing on like he was. "Yes your honour", the conductor said.

While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards came to the conductor and said "You may have one last request before we terminate your life. What would you like?" After pondering for a few seconds,the conductor replied "A silver platter with a dozen bananas." His request was granted, and the conductor scoffed the bananas. The room was emptied, and the switch was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived! As one guard was about to the flick the switch again, he was stopped. "He survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go."

The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to work", his manager said. More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night with wife, he asked "Dear, could you get me a grenade?" "Yes dear", she replied.

At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end of the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. "For the third time, I'm annoucing my retirement!", he yelled. The conductor took out the grenade,pulled the pin,and threw it into the audience.The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd.The police arrived, and he was taken away again.

"You again?",the judge asked,"I thought I'd sentenced you to death not long ago?" The conductor shrugged. "Ok,how do you plead to 23 counts of first degree murder?", the judge said. "Guilty to all counts", the conductor replied.

While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going to the chair, the conductor was granted another last reuqest. "A silver platter with 2 dozen bananas" was his answer. He scoffed the bananas the room was evacuated and the switch was flicked. It appeared that they'd manage to kill him this time,but their fears were realised when the conductor regained consciousness as they were about to remove his body. His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him and he left the building. "Back to work."

The weeks dragged on, and the conductor had all that he could take. "Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?", he asked his wife as they lay in bed. "Yes dear", she replied.

It was all too much for the conductor, and he didn't even wait for the concert to start. "Damn you all!" he screamed, and launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing all 190 odd band members.The army was called in this time, and he was dragged away.

"Jesus Christ, you again!?! You're supposed to be DEAD!", the judge roared.

The conductor just shrugged.

"May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first degree murder?" "Guilty as sin!", the conductor screamed, "the ****** deserved it!" The conductor was hauled away.

A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the cities' electrical engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity they could into the electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request.

"Three dozen bananas on a silver platter", he said.

He scoffed the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the electric chair was activated by remote control, some 2 kilometres away.

The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins to find the conductor's ruined body.

His funeral was held some days later and as the casket was being lowered into the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid.

Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of coffin - alive!

He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked "You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it?"

"I've tried telling people before", he said.

"I'm just a bad conductor."

This joke was tagged #english