107 Good Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women
Published on Sat 21 August 1999
- You can enjoy a BEER all month.
- BEER stains wash out.
- You don't have to wine and dine a BEER.
- Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car.
- When BEER goes flat you toss it out.
- BEER is never late.
- HANGOVERS go away.
- A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER.
- BEER labels come off without a fight.
- When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a BEER.
- BEER never has a headache.
- After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a dime.
- A BEER won't get upset if you come home with BEER on your breath.
- If you pour a BEER right, you will always get good head.
- You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty.
- A BEER ALWAYS goes down easy.
- You can share a BEER with your friends.
- You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER.
- A BEER is always wet.
- BEER doesn't demand equality.
- A BEER doesn't care when you come.
- You can have a BEER in public.
- A frigid BEER is a good BEER.
- You don't have to wash a BEER before it tastes good.
- BEER always comes in multiples of six.
- BEER doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
- You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a BEER.
- After you have a BEER, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
- A BEER never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
- When your BEER is gone, you just pop another.
- You rarely (if ever) find BEER labels on the shower curtain rod.
- BEER looks the same in the morning.
- BEER doesn't look you up in a month.
- BEER doesn't worry about someone walking in.
- BEER doesn't worry about waking the kids.
- BEER doesn't get cramps.
- BEER doesn't have a mother.
- BEER doesn't have morals.
- BEER doesn't go crazy once a month.
- BEER always listens and never argues.
- BEER labels don't go out of style every year.
- BEER doesn't whine, it bubbles.
- BEER doesn't have cold hands/feet.
- BEER doesn't demand legality.
- BEER is never overweight.
- If you change BEERs, you don't have to pay alimony.
- BEER won't run off with your credit cards.
- BEER doesn't have a lawyer.
- BEER doesn't need much closet space.
- BEER can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
- BEER doesn't complain about the way you drive.
- BEER doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
- BEER never changes its mind.
- BEER doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
- BEER never asks you to change the station.
- BEER doesn't make you go shopping.
- BEER doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
- BEER doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
- BEER is always easy to pick up.
- Big, fat BEERs are nice to have.
- BEER doesn't pout or play games.
- BEER NEVER says no.
- BEER is easy to get into.
- BEER never complains when you take it somewhere.
- BEER doesn't need to go to the "powder room" with other BEERs
- BEER doesn't wear a bra.
- BEER doesn't mind getting dirty.
- BEER doesn't complain about insensitivity.
- BEER doesn't use up your toilet paper.
- BEER doesn't live with its mother.
- BEER doesn't blow you off.
- BEER doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
- BEER doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
- BEER doesn't mind football season.
- A BEER won't make you go to church.
- A BEER is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
- A BEER doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
- A BEER doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
- A BEER doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other BEERs around.
- A BEER will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials wit babies are "cute".
- If a BEER leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
- A BEER will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson".
- A BEER won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station.
- A BEER won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
- A BEER won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
- If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a BEER, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
- A BEER won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
- A BEER won't smoke in your car.
- A BEER won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
- A BEER will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
- A BEER will actually support belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.
- A BEER is always ready to leave on time.
- A BEER never fishes for compliments.
- Some BEERs (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
- BEER tastes good.
- If you take a BEER outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the BEER won't accuse you of "date rape".
- A BEER won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.
- An ice-cold BEER will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
- A BEER won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store.
- A BEER won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just for the articles". (You are lying, but the BEER won't accuse you of it.)
- A BEER won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants game without the expressed, written consent of the National Football League.
- A BEER won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the excuse: "But I saved a quarter!"
- A BEER will never make you go to a Swedish movie.
- A BEER will never make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.
- A BEER won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".
- A BEER won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like STP Oil Treatment.
- When you're through with a BEER, the thought of another BEER doesn't make you ill.